One day can change a lot of things in life, forever, and when things change, life is no more the same. External damages and wounds can be repaired and healed. But the emotional damage of the mind wounds you and becomes housed somewhere in your head permanently. Even a simple action, such as a door knock or a mobile message’s tone can trigger those wounds and memories.
I am going to take you on a very emotional journey of four hours of morning and mourning. It is far away from traffic and town, in a remote area somewhere far in the jungle behind the walls of a detention centre. As free birds sing sweetly, so caged birds sing sadly. There are many section units there, named after birds: Avocet, Dove, Robin, Crane and Hummingbird. Couples used to be in those cages.
One usual sad morning I woke up and rushed upstairs, towards the canteen, for my breakfast. It was mid spring and it was a bright and sunny day; however, inside of me, thoughts were always battling. Unknown fear and sadness were always there inside of me. What will happen now? While waiting in the queue for breakfast, the smell of hot porridge and milk made me feel hungry and the smell of coffee attracted me towards coffee machine. And there was the smell of fresh toast and butter, of jam, and the sight of bananas, apples and oranges. The sound of pots and cutlery in the canteen and the fresh smell of breakfast made me want to have them on my plate. But the fear and panic inside me killed all my appetite. And when my turn came to choose breakfast, I ended up picking up one banana, one orange and a cup of milk.
I was just settling down in my room and there was a door knock, my heart started pounding hello, hello. The officer was on the door and before she spoke, I panicked. Oh, I was going through so much stress, this door knock was for my roommate and the officer asked her to come to the unit office.
I was alone in the room, thinking of my roommate, my heart pounding, and I was very nervous. I was thinking that something is going to happen. I didn’t know what, but something did not feel right in me. I had the odd sensation of butterflies in my stomach, the feeling wouldn’t go, wouldn’t stop, and my throat was very dry.
And there was message alert on my phone. ‘Oh my God! Now what?’ I got message to go and see the legal team upstairs at the immigration office. Officers always followed us to unlock and lock the doors in front of us, and behind us. The sound of keys jiggling in key chains made me feel more anxious and fearful.
I came back to my room from the legal team and it was already eleven o’clock. My head was heavy and I was thinking to have a cup of tea. Suddenly the fire alarm went off; I thought they might be testing as this was a normal routine, but it went on and didn’t stop. It was so annoying and wired. I opened my room door to see what was going on. All women left their rooms and gathered outside in the lobby. There was a cluster of women chattering. A few women were talking in their own language and, on other side, women were crying and screaming. I couldn’t believe what I saw; I was completely stunned and stood at my door to figure out what is happening. The fire alarm was still going on and on. Officers are rushing and locking the doors of all units. No one could come from the other unit to this side. ‘Stay where you are.’
Fear was hovering everywhere in the detention centre. I did not have that courage to go out and talk with someone. My chest was heavy and I stepped forward and walked slowly towards the long lobby. I stopped where the women were talking in the language which I am familiar with. I saw my roommate rushing towards me. Before I asked anything she gave me the news which were disturbing and heart-breaking.
‘What? Oh no!’
My roommate told me about one couple who were in the hummingbird unit. That morning two couples went for breakfast in the canteen and came back to their rooms. Two couples were friendly with each other, and were also from the same country and the same place. They were speaking the same language. After coming from the canteen just chilling out in their own rooms, leaving their room doors wide open, they were just chatting. One of the husbands was just sitting on the bed and having an energy drink. Suddenly, he fell down hitting his head on the middle table. His wife jumped from the bed to help her husband and the couple from the opposite room ran to this room to help him. But what? He died on the spot. I couldn’t believe it!
My roommate told me about what happened that morning. I was speechless and had no words. My lips were locked and inside of me there was quietness and emptiness. That day had a deep impact in my life. I still remember the screaming of his wife, ‘We were two when they detained us. Now I am alone, left alone.’ What a pain of losing your husband at such a young age. Sometimes the situation is not in our control. Things happen.
Even today a door knock panics me and I hate the message alert tone. ‘What is a paper or status? I got my papers...’ ‘What is a border? Death has no borders.’ ‘What is life?’ There are no answers to these questions. However, life goes on and waits for no one. It takes time to heal emotional wounds; sometimes they are always alive inside you. Life goes on and moves on, but we are stuck somewhere in past. The footprints left behind in life stay forever.
Night is always dark but when the sun comes out darkness has to go. So, at the end of the tunnel there is always bright light. Where there is life there is hope.
And in that HOPE I am living and heading towards where the life takes me.
One usual sad morning I woke up and rushed upstairs, towards the canteen, for my breakfast. It was mid spring and it was a bright and sunny day; however, inside of me, thoughts were always battling. Unknown fear and sadness were always there inside of me. What will happen now? While waiting in the queue for breakfast, the smell of hot porridge and milk made me feel hungry and the smell of coffee attracted me towards coffee machine. And there was the smell of fresh toast and butter, of jam, and the sight of bananas, apples and oranges. The sound of pots and cutlery in the canteen and the fresh smell of breakfast made me want to have them on my plate. But the fear and panic inside me killed all my appetite. And when my turn came to choose breakfast, I ended up picking up one banana, one orange and a cup of milk.
I was just settling down in my room and there was a door knock, my heart started pounding hello, hello. The officer was on the door and before she spoke, I panicked. Oh, I was going through so much stress, this door knock was for my roommate and the officer asked her to come to the unit office.
I was alone in the room, thinking of my roommate, my heart pounding, and I was very nervous. I was thinking that something is going to happen. I didn’t know what, but something did not feel right in me. I had the odd sensation of butterflies in my stomach, the feeling wouldn’t go, wouldn’t stop, and my throat was very dry.
And there was message alert on my phone. ‘Oh my God! Now what?’ I got message to go and see the legal team upstairs at the immigration office. Officers always followed us to unlock and lock the doors in front of us, and behind us. The sound of keys jiggling in key chains made me feel more anxious and fearful.
I came back to my room from the legal team and it was already eleven o’clock. My head was heavy and I was thinking to have a cup of tea. Suddenly the fire alarm went off; I thought they might be testing as this was a normal routine, but it went on and didn’t stop. It was so annoying and wired. I opened my room door to see what was going on. All women left their rooms and gathered outside in the lobby. There was a cluster of women chattering. A few women were talking in their own language and, on other side, women were crying and screaming. I couldn’t believe what I saw; I was completely stunned and stood at my door to figure out what is happening. The fire alarm was still going on and on. Officers are rushing and locking the doors of all units. No one could come from the other unit to this side. ‘Stay where you are.’
Fear was hovering everywhere in the detention centre. I did not have that courage to go out and talk with someone. My chest was heavy and I stepped forward and walked slowly towards the long lobby. I stopped where the women were talking in the language which I am familiar with. I saw my roommate rushing towards me. Before I asked anything she gave me the news which were disturbing and heart-breaking.
‘What? Oh no!’
My roommate told me about one couple who were in the hummingbird unit. That morning two couples went for breakfast in the canteen and came back to their rooms. Two couples were friendly with each other, and were also from the same country and the same place. They were speaking the same language. After coming from the canteen just chilling out in their own rooms, leaving their room doors wide open, they were just chatting. One of the husbands was just sitting on the bed and having an energy drink. Suddenly, he fell down hitting his head on the middle table. His wife jumped from the bed to help her husband and the couple from the opposite room ran to this room to help him. But what? He died on the spot. I couldn’t believe it!
My roommate told me about what happened that morning. I was speechless and had no words. My lips were locked and inside of me there was quietness and emptiness. That day had a deep impact in my life. I still remember the screaming of his wife, ‘We were two when they detained us. Now I am alone, left alone.’ What a pain of losing your husband at such a young age. Sometimes the situation is not in our control. Things happen.
Even today a door knock panics me and I hate the message alert tone. ‘What is a paper or status? I got my papers...’ ‘What is a border? Death has no borders.’ ‘What is life?’ There are no answers to these questions. However, life goes on and waits for no one. It takes time to heal emotional wounds; sometimes they are always alive inside you. Life goes on and moves on, but we are stuck somewhere in past. The footprints left behind in life stay forever.
Night is always dark but when the sun comes out darkness has to go. So, at the end of the tunnel there is always bright light. Where there is life there is hope.
And in that HOPE I am living and heading towards where the life takes me.
Anne Collins is a performer, writer and all-round creative person who is based in Leeds. She volunteers for Refugee Council on HARP, Women’s Health Matters at Rainbow Heart, and is part of ‘Lift the Ban’ campaign. She is Mafwa Theatre member since 2018 and this year became Mafwa Theatre Associate Artist to develop artistic skills. Anne regularly attends Theatre of Sanctuary workshops at Leeds Playhouse. She loves art, music, operas and playhouse performances. Anne loves singing and is part of Harmony Choir and Asmarina Voices at Leeds Playhouse.
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